love.  only love causes me to weep.

i thought those were tears of sadness.  of loss.  of unexpressed emotion.  of betrayal, missed opportunties, misrepresentation, misunderstanding, misuse.

and, in a way, they were.  but they were tears of sadness for love, loss of love, unexpressed love, betrayed loved, missed love, misunderstood love, misused love.

it’s only now, when i have the opposite of the ‘mis’ that i can see with clarity.  for you see, it wasn’t that i was weeping for the loss of what i wasn’t getting, it was for the change that i felt taking root in me.  an irrevocable transformation, a process of letting go of the love that i had once felt so strongly for so many.  and here, in my place now, i see that i was crying for what i knew would be lost….not from their heart to mine, but from mine to their’s.

i cried with him last night.  and for the first time, my tears didn’t slip quietly down my face to be absorbed, ignored, misunderstood, unexpressed, into my pillow.  they were drawn up, recycled into the sweat of his exertion, kissed and tasted, acknowledged, appreciated, understood.  it was a powerful contrast.

sometimes tears are worth their expression.  they are worth more than their meaning can be shared with words.  they are worth the person sharing them.  me.  my worth.  i am worth those tears.

hope.  the nature of hope.  the ability to hope.  the practice of hope.  it is not an easy thing in the face of pain, betrayal or indifference.  in fact, damn hard.  it is not easy to come by.  in fact, if you want to have it, you must work hard at it.

it is a practice, a dicipline….like any sport or art or meditation.  as with anything, if you stay the course, eventually you will find yourself amoungst it…sometimes surprising you with the realization that it is there.

hope is a good thing….because with it, you find the belief necessary to bring the best to yourself even though the odds seem stacked against you.

hope and faith have brought me here.  here, to this time, where the abundance of blessings waters my eyes on a daily basis.  here, to this person, who continues to amaze me with his ability to love.  here, to myself, who has learned to be accountable only for myself.

faith in hope….no good thing ever comes to an end.

no control.  only one thing….to not engage.  but i’ve seen the destruction of my friend through that method.  i will not be he.  i won’t allow that loss of humanity, that loss of hope, that loss of compassion towards myself.

so the choice is to be at the water’s edge then.  to see the mass of the thing in front of me, and know that at its core, it wants to destroy me.  it is fun to play and frolick on the edges……to dive in and under and feel the exhilaration of the pull, the sting of the salt, the power of the push.  but underlying the engagement is the threat of danger, the wanton lust of the tide to take me, turn me, pull me down and under.  to claim another soul into it’s reaches.

where is there someone who will hold my hand?  who will swim with me……not the school of fish that is always around.  who, without setting aside their own fun, will take me in, include me, watch over me, protect me, love me?  who will claim me with their own pull, their own tide, their own power.  not to push me down and under, to drown me, but to lift me up and buoy me.

but i am broken again as sea glass, tumbling upon the shore.  dazed, shattered, un-connected.

Friends of the victim say she suffered similar attacks, both in April ’09 and Feb ’10.  Both prior attacks were similarily brutal but the victim gained a full recovery both times, much to the amazement of friends and family.

Police sources say that no charges will be filed in the murder.  Jewels, host personality, was questioned briefly.  There are no other suspects.   Although foul play is certainly suspected, family members have elected to let the victim go quietly, in reverance.

The family requests no condolences.  They ask instead that each one who feels a need to take on the responsibility of anothers issues be prayed for.  That those who apologize when they should receive one instead, seal their mouths.  It is their wish that no such other brutal attacks need occur.